A fresh page

Photo by Kelly Sikkema on Unsplash

 The cursor blinks at me as I grapple with how to summarise the last three years.

 So much change. 

So much growth and learning, pain and grieving, joy and heartache, the daily grind and adventure. 

And yet, there is so much that has remained constant.  My family and friends who love me generously. The kids who bring chaos, curiosity and fun to our lives. Timmy, continues to be the most wholehearted person I know, enabling those around him to discover more of who God has created them to be. And a God whose love is unchanging, gently guiding and leading through us through the valleys and the mountaintops. 

Now I find myself in a place where I am drawn to start writing again. I give myself permission to jump in, right where we are. No need to summarise the last three years. We'll catch up. It will leak out in the lessons learned, in the parts of me that have grown and changed. In the things that I now hold tighter to and the things that I have let go of. 

And so I open to the next fresh page. The cursor blinking with anticipation of what tomorrow brings. 

Em

Adjusting Expectations of Self

Photo by Liana Mikah on Unsplash

Do you carry the burden of weight from expectations that you place upon yourself?
We all feel the weight of expectations at different times, and I don’t know about you but the expectations of others in my life are a far lighter load, than the ones that I often have for myself. 

Over the years I have had to learn (and relearn) to temper the expectations for myself. The compounding characteristics of an achiever with perfectionist tendencies, driven by high levels of responsibility without healthy boundaries and expectations, lead to nowhere good. Sometimes a slight adjustment is all that is needed. 

We’ve recently celebrated the arrival of a new baby for some friends. I’ve always loved the love language of food, and appreciated the gift of not having to think about how to feed myself and the family in the fog of life with a newborn. I held a brief picture in my head of me in my 1950s housewife apron, whipping up culinary delights that would be at home on the menu of a hatted restaurant...and then I realised that I was setting some unhealthy expectations for myself. It’s a struggle feeding my own family. I rely on meal delivery to limit the amount of time spent on decision making, grocery shopping and meal preparation. Trying to meet my own expectations was going to lead to one of two outcomes. I would either add a level of stress and activity to my life and life of family that was going to cause some sort of angst or because I couldn’t achieve the perfect outcome in mind, I’d do nothing.

Instead I decided on a third option and adjusted the expectations I had for myself. What was I really trying to achieve? I wanted the newly minted parents to feel loved and supported, and not have to worry about preparing dinner for a couple of nights. Could I achieve the same outcome without adding to life’s load? Yes. There are probably half a dozen ways that I could do this. I chose to purchase and deliver some delicious meals from a local small business. My friends weren’t expecting anything, the only expectations adding weight were my own.By slightly adjusting the expectations that I had for myself,  I was able to show my friends love and support without creating unrealistic expectations for myself. 

Are there areas of your life where you are carrying a burden of expectation that you have created for yourself? How could you adjust those expectations to achieve your hoped for outcome in a healthier way?

Have you found the freedom that comes from adjusting an expectation that you have for yourself? I’d love for you to share your story.

P.S  I also purchased a meal for my family too, which solved last night's dinner problem 😃

So Here Goes...

Photo by Simson Petrol on Unsplash

I used to blog a fair bit over here and then we moved and I changed jobs. Life changed and I lost momentum and for some reason became a bit self-conscious. Despite this, over recent months I have felt the urge to start again. I've probably got about one hundred blog posts drafted in my mind and I've been fiddling around with the aesthetics of this blog for weeks but I still haven't posted.

This post by Sarah Bessey got me thinking about what's been stopping me from pressing the publish button and reflecting on why I started blogging in the first place and what keeps drawing me back. 

I started thinking about whether I had anything of value to write about. Was there any point in one more blog? My perfectionism crippled any creativity. What if my writing is no good? What if my punctuation is lousy? What if I get that apostrophe in the wrong spot? I regressed into an adolescent self-consciousness about what others would think of me if they did read my writing. What if people think I'm a tool just for having a blog? What if they don't like what I have to say? (Why is it so human to need approval from others?)

Here's the thing, even with all of that stuff in my head I still feel drawn to writing stuff down and posting it out there in the universe.

I blog because writing (even if it's not very good) is a creative outlet. I can't knit (or write) like Sarah Bessey. I can't paint or draw. But I love to read and write. I enjoy it and I get a sense of satisfaction from writing something and then publishing it. Writing helps me process the messy bits of life. It gives me an outlet to rant and rave and it gives my sweet husband a rest from my ear bashing. Writing helps me let go of things rather than holding them in my mind. I don't know about you but things can get cluttered up in here but if I write stuff down it allows me to let go.

And so here I am, about to press publish on my first post in a long time. Feeling good about doing something that for some reason, I just feel like I need to do it. And if by chance

you stumble across this little blog and it brings you some sense of encouragement or prompts you to think about something a little differently, that's a bonus. If you're bothered by my writing style, lack of punctuation, or lame content,  that's o.k too. I won't be offended if you click on out of here.

Have you been holding back from doing something that would bring you joy and satisfaction?

Understatement of the Year

In the 1986 movie Crocodile Dundee, Mick "Crocodile" Dundee calls out a would be street thug who is trying to hold them up at knife point by presenting his own, much bigger and more threatening knife, "That's not a knife. THAT's a knife". I don't even remember when I saw this movie but that particular line has played itself out in my mind numerous times this year.

At the beginning of the year, when we had some time away, I'd had some time to reflect on what 2017 might hold. I had a sense that it was going to be a pretty big year. I didn't really need to be too in tune with my spidey senses to get to that particular piece of insight. A quick inventory of all that we hoped to achieve in the year was enough (work, ministry, study for both Tim and I, family life which includes a busy two-year-old...well you get the picture).

And then we got to April...and we found out that we were pregnant...and then we found out it was twins...and then I felt like God had a great chuckle as he says to me, "that's not a big year. THIS is a big year". 

Why I Love My Small Group

This week I'm looking forward to having dinner with my small group as we celebrate the end of the year. We are an eclectic bunch of women across different ages and seasons in life and, perhaps a little unexpectedly, has become a special group that is rich in love and provided a place of sanctuary and encouragement for each of us as we navigate the mountain tops and valleys of life.

I'm a big advocate for small groups and believe that they are an important part of kingdom life as we seek to spur one another on as part of being healthy and growing disciples. I've been in a lot of small groups along the way. In each one I have experienced great friendship and done lots of learning but there have been a couple of small groups that have been special, where relationships run deep, where we're on the same page and it is totally safe to ask the big questions of life and it's totally o.k to not be o.k.

There are at least three common elements that I've found each of these special groups to have:

1) Common purpose

We know why we gather and while we might be in different seasons and spaces there is a commonality to our purpose. For some groups it might be to deepen relationships or for others to study the Word or for others to spur one another on in the pursuit of God or a combination of these and other things but whatever the purpose is it is shared by everyone.

2) Shared expectations

Following on from common purpose, the most successful and meaningful groups I have been a part of have had shared expectations around what it actually looks like to be a group The routines and habits of the group fit with the shared purpose and we know what the expectations are. Small groups can be frustrating if each person attending has different expectations for what will occur when you meet together. If I'm expecting that I will spend time on deepening relationships through conversation but someone else comes with the expectation that the group is going to be focused on in-depth exegesis of scripture then one or both  of us might be disappointed.

3) High trust

My favorite small groups have been safe places where there is high trust. You can be your true messy self and not feel judged or condemned. You can ask questions without feeling foolish. You can be vulnerable knowing that nothing you say will be used against you or shared beyond the group. You can seek guidance, feedback and encouragement knowing that each person wants what is best for you. This is critical in any small group if there is a desire to go beyond the surface and to really do life together but it is one of things that I have been most grateful for in my current group. Among the amazing group of a women that I meet with there is a pastor, a pastor's wife, an elder's wife, an ex-pastor's wife. Everyone needs a safe place but I think it's even harder for those connected with ministry life because the lines between work, ministry and relationships are so blurry. There are often expectations (real or perceived) upon those in ministry roles and it can be very isolating if you don't have any space to to totally be yourself, baggage and all.

I am so grateful for all of the groups I have been  a part of and for the people that I have been able to share life with along the way. I am thankful for the prayer, encouragement, friendship, tears and laughter as we have walked together and discerned God's word together. I firmly believe in the importance of small groups for spiritual growth and I would encourage you to find one where there is common purpose, shared expectations and high trust so that you can get a true taste of kingdom life.

Em

Are there other elements that contribute to a great small group? I'd love it if you left a comment.

Image: Cristina Cerda - CC0 1.0