Adjusting Expectations of Self

Photo by Liana Mikah on Unsplash

Do you carry the burden of weight from expectations that you place upon yourself?
We all feel the weight of expectations at different times, and I don’t know about you but the expectations of others in my life are a far lighter load, than the ones that I often have for myself. 

Over the years I have had to learn (and relearn) to temper the expectations for myself. The compounding characteristics of an achiever with perfectionist tendencies, driven by high levels of responsibility without healthy boundaries and expectations, lead to nowhere good. Sometimes a slight adjustment is all that is needed. 

We’ve recently celebrated the arrival of a new baby for some friends. I’ve always loved the love language of food, and appreciated the gift of not having to think about how to feed myself and the family in the fog of life with a newborn. I held a brief picture in my head of me in my 1950s housewife apron, whipping up culinary delights that would be at home on the menu of a hatted restaurant...and then I realised that I was setting some unhealthy expectations for myself. It’s a struggle feeding my own family. I rely on meal delivery to limit the amount of time spent on decision making, grocery shopping and meal preparation. Trying to meet my own expectations was going to lead to one of two outcomes. I would either add a level of stress and activity to my life and life of family that was going to cause some sort of angst or because I couldn’t achieve the perfect outcome in mind, I’d do nothing.

Instead I decided on a third option and adjusted the expectations I had for myself. What was I really trying to achieve? I wanted the newly minted parents to feel loved and supported, and not have to worry about preparing dinner for a couple of nights. Could I achieve the same outcome without adding to life’s load? Yes. There are probably half a dozen ways that I could do this. I chose to purchase and deliver some delicious meals from a local small business. My friends weren’t expecting anything, the only expectations adding weight were my own.By slightly adjusting the expectations that I had for myself,  I was able to show my friends love and support without creating unrealistic expectations for myself. 

Are there areas of your life where you are carrying a burden of expectation that you have created for yourself? How could you adjust those expectations to achieve your hoped for outcome in a healthier way?

Have you found the freedom that comes from adjusting an expectation that you have for yourself? I’d love for you to share your story.

P.S  I also purchased a meal for my family too, which solved last night's dinner problem 😃

Prioritising Worship at Christmas

Worship Fully- Advent Conspiracy

The last few weeks before Christmas are always a bit crazy as work winds up and end of year functions are jammed in to the calendar. Last minute shopping becomes more urgent and the family gatherings begin. For quite a few years I felt pretty bah humbug about Christmas. Everything about it made me feel a little crazy. The frantic shopping, carols over the loudspeaker in October, way too much stuff I didn't need or want, and a very sad looking bank account. I felt stressed, tired and irritable at this time of year. Nobody wants that and I certainly didn't want to be experiencing it year after year.

We started exploring other ways of doing Christmas- picnic lunches, less gift giving and then I discovered Advent Conspiracy, a movement to encourage us to celebrate Christmas differently based on four tenets: worship fully, spend less, give more, love all. This gave me a way of reframing the advent season and helped me to resdiscover the joy of Christmas. 

The most transforming component of this in my life as been through the prioritizing of worship throughout advent. Perhaps you're thinking, "Isn't that obvious? Aren't you supposed to be a pastor's wife?"...but I know that for me and I'm guessing if you're honest, for you as well, it was been so easy to get distracted by the long 'to do' list and calendar of gatherings, that we've let worship slip right to the bottom of the list. The things that we place above worship seem honorable - it's about family, it's about spending time together. But these are the same things that those that do not know God prioritise at Christmas. We are called to '...seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well" (Matthew 6:33). Even at Christmas.

It's cliched but Jesus is the reason for the season and therefore worship should be at the top of our priorities. And what I've discovered is that when I have placed  worship above the other trappings of Christmas you get to experience the peace, joy and love that we sing about in carols. 

I'm no longer irritated by carols in the shopping centre. I love that I can sing of God's good news  while I'm shopping. 

I don't find church and extra music practices a hassle. It's a chance to reflect on and celebrate God goodness.

I don't find all of the social engagements with friends and family wearing. I'm able to enjoy the company of whoever I am with out of the overflow that comes from the love that I know in Jesus.

So whether you've already set up your tent at your annual camping spot or whether you're still working and trying to figure out how you are going to get everything done, I encourage you to prioritise worship. Open God's word, spend some time in prayer, make worship at  a church service a part of your family Christmas traditions and "...all these things will be given to you as well".

Em

Why I Love My Small Group

This week I'm looking forward to having dinner with my small group as we celebrate the end of the year. We are an eclectic bunch of women across different ages and seasons in life and, perhaps a little unexpectedly, has become a special group that is rich in love and provided a place of sanctuary and encouragement for each of us as we navigate the mountain tops and valleys of life.

I'm a big advocate for small groups and believe that they are an important part of kingdom life as we seek to spur one another on as part of being healthy and growing disciples. I've been in a lot of small groups along the way. In each one I have experienced great friendship and done lots of learning but there have been a couple of small groups that have been special, where relationships run deep, where we're on the same page and it is totally safe to ask the big questions of life and it's totally o.k to not be o.k.

There are at least three common elements that I've found each of these special groups to have:

1) Common purpose

We know why we gather and while we might be in different seasons and spaces there is a commonality to our purpose. For some groups it might be to deepen relationships or for others to study the Word or for others to spur one another on in the pursuit of God or a combination of these and other things but whatever the purpose is it is shared by everyone.

2) Shared expectations

Following on from common purpose, the most successful and meaningful groups I have been a part of have had shared expectations around what it actually looks like to be a group The routines and habits of the group fit with the shared purpose and we know what the expectations are. Small groups can be frustrating if each person attending has different expectations for what will occur when you meet together. If I'm expecting that I will spend time on deepening relationships through conversation but someone else comes with the expectation that the group is going to be focused on in-depth exegesis of scripture then one or both  of us might be disappointed.

3) High trust

My favorite small groups have been safe places where there is high trust. You can be your true messy self and not feel judged or condemned. You can ask questions without feeling foolish. You can be vulnerable knowing that nothing you say will be used against you or shared beyond the group. You can seek guidance, feedback and encouragement knowing that each person wants what is best for you. This is critical in any small group if there is a desire to go beyond the surface and to really do life together but it is one of things that I have been most grateful for in my current group. Among the amazing group of a women that I meet with there is a pastor, a pastor's wife, an elder's wife, an ex-pastor's wife. Everyone needs a safe place but I think it's even harder for those connected with ministry life because the lines between work, ministry and relationships are so blurry. There are often expectations (real or perceived) upon those in ministry roles and it can be very isolating if you don't have any space to to totally be yourself, baggage and all.

I am so grateful for all of the groups I have been  a part of and for the people that I have been able to share life with along the way. I am thankful for the prayer, encouragement, friendship, tears and laughter as we have walked together and discerned God's word together. I firmly believe in the importance of small groups for spiritual growth and I would encourage you to find one where there is common purpose, shared expectations and high trust so that you can get a true taste of kingdom life.

Em

Are there other elements that contribute to a great small group? I'd love it if you left a comment.

Image: Cristina Cerda - CC0 1.0

Conspicuous by their Absence

Photo: 'Library' by Stewart Butterfield-CC BY 2.0

I love reading. I will read anything: fiction, non-fiction, the back of the rice bubble packet, for pleasure, study, work or ministry. Anyway, today for the first time in a while I was browsing my local Christian bookstore looking for inspiration to add to my 'to read' pile stacked up by my bed. I'd been thinking and reading about leadership over the last little while and on a whim today thought it would be good to hear some of the stories and experiences and wisdom from Christian women on leadership.

I wander on over to the leadership section and scan the books, quickly at first, and then more deliberately. There would have been over a hundred books on leadership on the shelves and how many were written by women? One. And that one was about leading 'women's ministry' complete with floral cover.

I was surprised at first, and then not, and then disappointed. While I've learnt a lot about leadership and ministry from great quality leaders and writers who are men there are some unique experiences, opportunities and challenges for women in leadership and ministry roles (Having to wrestle with and justify whether being in Christian leadership as a woman is Biblical just as a starting point- I'll need another post for that topic). And I would love to learn more from those who have gone before me.

Standing in front of those shelves today was the catalyst for me to revamp a very old and neglected blog. I felt motivated to create a space where I can process and reflect and maybe even connect with others-men and women,  to learn from and encourage one another as we walk our unique paths in ministry, leadership and life.

I'd love it if you would join me.

Em

Have you got any recommendations for what I could be reading at the moment? Leave it in the comments.